Thoughts.... </3

Hey everyone. what's up? Not much here just waitin for this stupid ass hurricane to pass through. The only good thing that has come out of Hurricane Wilma is that all orange county schools dont have school! Whoop Whoop!!! Anyways this weekend has been crazy. Friday jayme, ross, and i went out on the boat before Ross had to leave to go to his dads. We came in and Ross left and then jayme and i starting fighting. Ross was one issue and the other was me being by myself. We got into it bad, and we broke up because of it. I had to call my dad to come get me and then he made Jayme sit outside in the rain until his mom got there. Well then i went to magic mall for a few, bc my mom's car was right by there. I got this bangin shirt. It's hot~! SO that night i went out... that was alright i suppose. I talked to Ross most of the night and jayme called constantly. But i wasnt going to talk to him anymore because i was so fed up with all the bullshit. Well i called him when i got home and we talked for a few. He ended up walking from his house to mine. We fought for a few because of a text message.... =/ we fought most of Saturday morning too. Then we both calmed down. i didnt do anything all day yesterday besides talk on the phone and clean. I talked to Ross quite a bit, that was good. He and i talked about everything. School, relationships, goals, being out on the water vs. dancing. It was a really good conversation. I talked to jayme too. That was interesting. I miss him and i still love him but right now we can't be together. I dont know what's gonna happen in the future. so i'd rather not make anymore promises or what not. I dont want to lead ANYONE on. Ross told jayme flat out that he was falling for me. And i hate to admit it, but it made me smile. However, ross told jayme that he'd rather be friends with everyone rather than get with me and stuff. I just wish that everything would be good. I wish that if im no longer happy with jayme and we cant work things out that he'd give me his support in whatever makes him happy. Because i'd do that for him. i wish that he'd realize that i just want to be friends and the "i love yous" and all that are not making it any easier for me. How am i supposed to not being with someone and try and miss them, when they're still right there in my shit? I just need time away from it all, time for myself and i wish with everything that i have that jayme'd understand. Although, i've come to realize that wishing is pointless ~ wishes never come true. I just wish i knew how to make jayme see what's in my heart, and what I'm feeling/thinking/seeing etc. I wish Jayme could get inside me and that way i wouldn't have to say anything... he'd already know. I dunno i just i dont know.

To Jayme (if you read this):~ We've been through it all. I'm sorry i wasnt there for you when you needed me most, however there's been countless times when you may have been there psyhcially, but emotionally you were no where to be found. I've done so much for you as you have for me and i just wish that things would be good. I wish that you'd understand i want to be friends for now... i dont know how long... maybe a week, a month, forever.... I just can't feel liek i can't breath anymore and when you pressure me into saying "i love you" i feel that suffication feeling. My life has changed in so many ways since we've met up until now. I've learned so much from you, about you, and these things i'll hold close to me forever. I just want us to be able to be friends for now, and get that back before we decide to make a step in another direction... if we both chose to do so. I dont know what the future holds for either one of us.... so please dont make yourself think things will be okay, because then if they dont turn out the way you want them too... the disappoint me will be unbearable. I love you and that's never going to change. I wish you happiness in everything and everything that you do, i just wish that you'd do the same for me! Well i've said what i can for now, we'll talk later i'm sure. Just keep positive and take things slow, dont push the relationship or anything else for that matter! Love you!

Well im' gonna run and get my mind off things! Stay safe and hope everything's okay with the stupid hurricane!

Lots of Love & All That,
|CaT|